Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Sam Rockwell was good.

But damn, Frances McDormand

Deserves all the gold.

When “Three Billboards” was first released in Columbia, MO. in December, one of my close friends told me that it looked like one of those movies you don’t have to see because you already know everything from the trailer. Another one of my friends iMessaged me that same trailer all the way back in May. Guess which friend accompanied me to Ragtag to see it.

My friend couldn't have been more wrong (sorry, Josh). I was blown away by how much I loved “Three Billboards.” The acting was superb (though Lucas Hedges was slightly underused), and the “In Bruges” director perfectly toed the line between dark humor and drama without falling into despair. What I loved so much about last year’s “Manchester By The Sea” was how Kenneth Lonergan found a way to make such a melancholic story so gut-bustingly hilarious (yes, I just invented the word “gut-bustingly” to describe a movie about death), and I found the same to be true about “Three Billboards.”

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserDecember 6, 2017