danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

The Greatest Showman

showman.jpg
Rating: Soggy.

Rating: Soggy.

Trading claws for songs.

Hugh Jackman shines as Barnum.

But that’s all that’s bright.

I saw two movies with my family over Christmastime. The first was “The Greatest Showman,” and the second was “Darkest Hour.” I disliked both, obviously for different reasons. Let’s start with “Showman.”

While “The Greatest Showman” opens with a really energetic ensemble song, it fails to maintain this level of fun throughout the film. Hugh Jackman was good as P.T. Barnum, but honestly he really didn’t do that much. His character was static throughout (as were all the characters), and all the hinting at his real-life exploitative behavior was shoved under the rug. What comes to mind is a specific scene in which Jackman’s character refuses to allow his “freaks” into his high-society after-party, and instead of addressing Barnum’s dickish-ness or at the very least using this as a teaching moment for the kids in the audience, the script jumps into the feel-good “This Is Me” that has his freaks parading through the streets of New York as they take pride in their abnormalities. This number is well-meaning, but it didn’t land for me because of what immediately preceded it.

My initial rating for “Showman” was going to be Microwaved, but then we learned the true nature of P.T. Barnum after doing some Googling. The movie basically took every liberty possible with Barnum’s come-up story, and it turns out that he was a violent racist and even owned slaves. My family immediately regretted buying tickets to see “Showman,” and I’m most disgusted by the fact that so many people will walk out of the theater with the (let’s be real, mediocre at best) songs thrumming in their heads, unaware of the film’s gross whitewashing of history. I was going to say that the movie’s weakest act was a failed attempt at juggling the heavy-handed themes of classism and racism, but it’s not juggling if you don’t even pick up the balls.  

In Theaters, SoggyGuest User