Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

The Last Jedi

Porgs porgs porgs porgs porgs.

Porgs porgs porgs porgs porgs porgs porgs.

Porgs porgs porgs porgs porgs.

I just typed the word “porgs” 17 time instead of copy/pasting it because I’m probably going to relish every opportunity I get to type the word “porgs” for the rest of my life. And how could I not! They were hilarious and lively, and “porgs” is just such a great word. It’s like a mix between “porn” and “pig,” or at least it is in my head. I’m sure there’s already Porg Haters popping up around the globe, but I’d argue that these new creatures embody everything that’s best about the Star Wars franchise: they’re fun.

Star Wars followers are as hard to please as any fan base, and as a fan myself, it’s easy to get caught up in all the shit-talking people do as soon as the latest movie comes out. But when everything is said and done, the main purpose of Star Wars is to entertain, and “The Last Jedi” is entertaining as hell. I could spend this review complaining about how I thought Luke was a little too whiny or how I think Kylo Ren is the least threatening bad guy ever now that he’s proven on multiple occasions that he won’t kill Rey given the opportunity, but it’s much more fun to just sit back and remain in awe of all the things this movie gets right. “Jedi” is full of memorable moments, from (MINOR SPOILER!) Kylo Ren and Rey’s battle in Snoke’s chamber to Luke’s rebellion-saving tactic at the end of the movie. So why just the “Microwaved” rating, you ask? Compared to the latest entries in the Star Wars universe, “Rogue One” was much better from a storytelling perspective, and “The Force Awakens” just felt more epic to me.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest UserDecember 26, 2017