danny rosenberg

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

It’s a good movie.

I don’t have much else to say.

Let’s leave it at that.

Last Saturday, I texted my mom, “‘Can You Ever Forgive Me?’ tomorrow?” She thought I wanted to apologize to someone on the following day and sent her the message on accident. She responded “Not for me I think,” and I thought she was telling me the movie wouldn’t work out for her to see on Sunday. I responded, “Bummer. ‘The Hate U Give’ is playing at the Cinemark too.” This is when she realized I was asking her to go see the 98% fresh, based-on-a-true-story, Melissa-McCarthy-starring, sure-to-be award-winning dramedy and not setting up a time to apologize to someone via text. And it’s a good thing I sent that last text, because “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” is a very good movie.

But here’s the thing. I’ve held off writing this review all week because I’ve been struggling to put into words what I liked about CYEFM (almost the same acronym as CMBYN – nice). That’s why I just wasted an entire paragraph detailing what I could have written in two sentences, and that’s why I never wrote a review for “BlacKkKlansman,” when I saw it all the way back in August. But with the Spike Lee joint, it was for the opposite reason: I didn’t much like the movie, and I couldn’t really articulate why. Maybe I should’ve dug deeper into myself. Maybe I thought this article I read about the relationship between Jews and Blacks said everything I wanted to say on the matter. Maybe my brain is just fried from too much Red Dead Redemption 2. Maybe I need to go to grad school for film criticism. Maybe I don’t want to incur any more debt!

Anyways. CYEFM. I think there’s something truly special about a year that sees an actor simultaneously playing one of their best roles to-date and their worst. McCarthy’s 2018 with The Happytime Murders (honestly I still want to see this) and CYEFM will likely draw comparisons to Sandra Bullock’s 2009 with “The Blind Side” and “All About Steve” (she won an Academy Award for the former and a Razzie for the latter, right? This seems too unimportant to fact check tonight). Really, though, McCarthy is pretty great as Lee Israel, and the same can be said for Richard Grant in the supporting role. I’d definitely nominate him if I was the Academy. Alas, I’m just Soggy Waffles.  

Ultimately, I think my mom unwittingly summarized my thoughts about CYEFM best when she mentioned the return of “Schindler’s List” to theaters this weekend. It’s a great movie, she said, but not one she has any desire to watch again. “Can You Ever Forgive Me?” will probably go down as one of my favorite movies of 2018, but at least as of right now, I don’t have any desire to watch it again.

 

 

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User