Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

The Shape of Water

A classic love tale

With genre-defying twists.

And Richard Jenkins.

From the moment Richard Jenkins' narration starts over shots of an apartment completely submerged underwater, I knew this was a movie I never wanted to end (which is ironic, considering it has one of my favorite endings to a movie, ever). There’s just so much to love about “The Shape of Water”: a classic story of beauty and the beast with a science-fiction spin, a beautifully wordless performance from Sally Hawkins and a Cold War backdrop that’s transportive in every sense of the word, even if Microsoft Word is underlining "transportive" (isn’t transportive a word?).

After finally seeing “The Shape of Water,” I’m thrilled to see that Richard Jenkins is Golden Globes-nominated for Supporting Actor. He basically serves as Sally Hawkins’ voice, and his character is heartbreakingly sensitive and affectionate. I don’t think Octavia Spencer’s role was revelatory enough for a win, but it’s nice to see that she got a nod as well. My only complaint about the film is that its classic story, while extremely well-executed, lends itself to a certain level of predictability. But because “The Shape of Water” is so well-made, that doesn’t even matter. Critics are calling this Guillermo del Toro’s best movie to date, and while it’s certainly one of my favorites of the year, I still think that title belongs to “Pan’s Labyrinth.”

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserDecember 29, 2017