I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t seen enough of Daniel Day-Lewis to praise him the way most people do, but damn. What. A. Way. To. Go. If this is really his last movie ever, he will be sorely missed by me.
Read MoreLogo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.
Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1. The Frozen Waffle
The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2. The Soggy Waffle
You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3. The Microwaved Waffle
This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4. The Crispy Waffle
Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle
This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
There used to be a time when I wouldn’t dare skip a Pixar movie in theaters, and though the “Cars” series has done a lot to change that for me, “Coco” is not one to miss.
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While any book snob will find things to criticize when something they’ve read is brought to life on the big screen, I have the highest of praises for director Luca Guadagnino’s interpretation of “Call Me By Your Name.” It still captures that feeling of the perfect summer, when it feels like, for just a while, everything is frozen and nothing matters but who you’re with and the next time you’ll be near the water.
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There’s just so much to love about “The Shape of Water”: a classic story of beauty and the beast with a science-fiction spin, a beautifully wordless performance from Sally Hawkins and a Cold War backdrop that’s transportive in every sense of the word.
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“Paddington” works so well because you somehow never doubt the plausibility of what’s happening onscreen.
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The irony is not lost on me that “The Room” is going down as one of the worst movies of all time, and “The Disaster Artist” is one of the best of 2017.
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I was blown away by how much I loved “Three Billboards.”
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“The Florida Project” is the type of movie that you know is going to stick with you for a long time as soon as the credits start rolling.
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